do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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