I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
My bed smells like the plague
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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