I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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