you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I want a musical about memes.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
