my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
