I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
