Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
