im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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