Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
