My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
