Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
