i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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