It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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