in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
