defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
