You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
