got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
It's shark week go big or go home
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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