Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
