No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
