I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
