i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
