He had one of those small greek statue penises
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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