i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Let's get the cat blown out
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
