I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
we have pet lesbian snakes
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
