My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
