Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
