Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
