PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
