Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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