PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
