i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
