I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Randomize
