something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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