just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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