If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
