Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
