then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
