I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
