were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
