I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
