problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
