Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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