I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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