think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
