i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
