My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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