Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
