If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Randomize
