Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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