you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
